Change.
You know, it’s finally starting to sink in.
The more change that comes into your life you don’t embrace, you are not only bound to repeat it, you will be destined to learn harder more devastating lessons in the future.
In January, 2009 I had gastric bypass (RNY) surgery. Since then I've lost approximately 80lbs. Yes, that's not a typo - 80lbs. Physically, I'm feeling so much better. I can walk, I can run, I sleep much better and I've gone from wearing a size 24/26 to currently wearing a size 14/16. I can shop at regular sized clothing stores instead of having to shop in the "Big Girl's" stores. On the surface, it's an amazingly wonderful thing in my life. It has not been without challenges though.
I look back over the course of these last 6 or 7 months in particular and upon examination, realize that in shedding the physical, I have also energetically shed almost every single aspect of what I’m choosing to call my “old life” that no longer serves me.
I believe the choice that I made this time last year to have surgery in January to shed my physical protection against the hurt in the world has opened up a Pandora’s Box that I have been avoiding dealing with for the last 30 years. Like peeling layers off an onion, it's opened a veritable flood-gate of issues aching to be dealt with.
All of my neglected inner children are screaming for my attention all at once, like a kindergarten class run amok. At times I feel so overwhelmed by it all that I just want to crawl into bed and give in. I just want to scream – “One at a time, for God’s sake!”
With all of this going on, it’s way too easy to slip back into the stance of victim – cry “poor me” and retreat back into the depths of depression, wallow in the old familiar feeling of being a victim and just give up.
Each time it comes it wraps itself around my shoulders like a warm, fuzzy blanket pulled straight from the dryer – like the comforting arms of a treasured old friend. I feel it hold me close, whispering softly in my ear telling me that it’s all over - that I should lie down and give up – that there are no more options for me. And, without warning, it attempts to choke the life out of me one more time.
This time however, I thankfully recognized it before it could really take hold – before it squeezed the fight out of me – before I gave up completely.
I have taken some roads of late by choice, others have been chosen for me. Some were comforting things that had been in my life for a very long time and some I had come to love in recent years and months. Some of them had come to define who I am in my own mind and were very hard to let go of. Grief, sadness, and loss became all too familiar feelings held in my heart as thing after thing, person after person left my life in a steady stream like water pouring out of a bucket full of holes. I mourn their losses. Profoundly.
If I’m honest with myself, I have to ask, have they truly been forced on me? I remind myself that do believe that you do call everything into your life; good, bad or otherwise to learn the lessons we’ve come here to learn. So, I amend my previous thought to read: I have indeed chosen everything in my life, the good and the bad – I have called in every single event in order that I might learn lessons, and find the gifts in each and every one of them.
So, if this is all meant to test me; to find out what I’m really made of, I figure that after all this time, I’m 10 feet tall and bullet proof.
{start self pep-talk}
I am a resilient champion who defies the hounds of hell that are sent to me on a regular basis, laughing at them as they try again and again to stop me. I must be quite a threat to them for them to test me so often and with such harsh circumstances. I must scare the hell out of them.
I am the best of the best and nothing can truly defeat me.
{/pep-talk}
My life is one to be proud of and hopefully will be an example to my child and her children to follow. I want to be living my life so that when my feet hit the floor in the morning, the Devil shudders and says "Oh Sh*t, she's AWAKE!"
Blessings,
Ali
You know, it’s finally starting to sink in.
After countless examples of it through my lifetime, I’m finally accepting that the whole point of change, whether gentle or radical, is sent to see what you’re made of. It’s meant to test you; to challenge the very fiber of you. It keeps your spirit on its toes.
The more change that comes into your life you don’t embrace, you are not only bound to repeat it, you will be destined to learn harder more devastating lessons in the future.
In January, 2009 I had gastric bypass (RNY) surgery. Since then I've lost approximately 80lbs. Yes, that's not a typo - 80lbs. Physically, I'm feeling so much better. I can walk, I can run, I sleep much better and I've gone from wearing a size 24/26 to currently wearing a size 14/16. I can shop at regular sized clothing stores instead of having to shop in the "Big Girl's" stores. On the surface, it's an amazingly wonderful thing in my life. It has not been without challenges though.
I look back over the course of these last 6 or 7 months in particular and upon examination, realize that in shedding the physical, I have also energetically shed almost every single aspect of what I’m choosing to call my “old life” that no longer serves me.
I believe the choice that I made this time last year to have surgery in January to shed my physical protection against the hurt in the world has opened up a Pandora’s Box that I have been avoiding dealing with for the last 30 years. Like peeling layers off an onion, it's opened a veritable flood-gate of issues aching to be dealt with.
All of my neglected inner children are screaming for my attention all at once, like a kindergarten class run amok. At times I feel so overwhelmed by it all that I just want to crawl into bed and give in. I just want to scream – “One at a time, for God’s sake!”
With all of this going on, it’s way too easy to slip back into the stance of victim – cry “poor me” and retreat back into the depths of depression, wallow in the old familiar feeling of being a victim and just give up.
Each time it comes it wraps itself around my shoulders like a warm, fuzzy blanket pulled straight from the dryer – like the comforting arms of a treasured old friend. I feel it hold me close, whispering softly in my ear telling me that it’s all over - that I should lie down and give up – that there are no more options for me. And, without warning, it attempts to choke the life out of me one more time.
This time however, I thankfully recognized it before it could really take hold – before it squeezed the fight out of me – before I gave up completely.
I have taken some roads of late by choice, others have been chosen for me. Some were comforting things that had been in my life for a very long time and some I had come to love in recent years and months. Some of them had come to define who I am in my own mind and were very hard to let go of. Grief, sadness, and loss became all too familiar feelings held in my heart as thing after thing, person after person left my life in a steady stream like water pouring out of a bucket full of holes. I mourn their losses. Profoundly.
If I’m honest with myself, I have to ask, have they truly been forced on me? I remind myself that do believe that you do call everything into your life; good, bad or otherwise to learn the lessons we’ve come here to learn. So, I amend my previous thought to read: I have indeed chosen everything in my life, the good and the bad – I have called in every single event in order that I might learn lessons, and find the gifts in each and every one of them.
So, if this is all meant to test me; to find out what I’m really made of, I figure that after all this time, I’m 10 feet tall and bullet proof.
{start self pep-talk}
I am a resilient champion who defies the hounds of hell that are sent to me on a regular basis, laughing at them as they try again and again to stop me. I must be quite a threat to them for them to test me so often and with such harsh circumstances. I must scare the hell out of them.
I am the best of the best and nothing can truly defeat me.
{/pep-talk}
My life is one to be proud of and hopefully will be an example to my child and her children to follow. I want to be living my life so that when my feet hit the floor in the morning, the Devil shudders and says "Oh Sh*t, she's AWAKE!"
Blessings,
Ali
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